If I'm honest...

You know those songs we sing at church about surrender? 

All I have is Yours.

Take all of me.

With one desire we come - that You would reign in us.

I offer this heart completely to You.

I surrender all.

Today I sort of choked on those words.  And it's not because I don't want them to be true of me.  It's because God has been urging me to be completely honest with Him. 

And if I'm honest...

I really have trouble surrendering. 
I like to be comfortable.
I like to get my way.
I'm all about being in control.
That is my M.O..
Standard operating procedure.

This picture of me - age 5 - sort of sums it up. 

(BTW, do you like that my zipper wasn't even zipped? 
I must have been having a B-A-D day.)

It's actually been a really good season for me.  I am - for perhaps the first time - realizing that I'm not who I've pretended to myself to be.  It's humbling to acknowledge you're a pharisee.  But it also means a whole new sense of hope about what God could do in me if I finally cooperate. 

Surrender brings hope because, if I'm honest, I don't do things very well on my own. 

My way is not the best way. 

I'm not wise enough, good enough or powerful enough to be in charge.

He is.

Lord, I'm going to trust in You and Your will

for me - not my own. 

Help me surrender.  Help me want to give You control. 

You love me more than I can comprehend. 

You are smart enough to know what's for my very best. 

You have the ability to do something I could never do - make me fulfilled and at peace. 

That's not going to ever happen because of me

getting my way.

Thank You that there's a way to live beyond myself.

Surrendered.