Help me know how much You love me.
He is not answering it the way I thought He might, but as funny as it sounds, I knew He wouldn't. I knew - when I began asking Him - that the answer to this prayer might shake me to the core. I kind of worried about what I might have to face up to.
I thought I'd share a bit of my journey - let's see if I can explain what a project I am.
Chapter 1 - The Rut (and Where it Leads)
I'm a rule-follower. An affirmation-seeking, performance-oriented, check-things-off-my-list kind of girl. I grew up without
I love you or I'm proud of who you are. I don't say that as an excuse or to elicit pity - it's just the way it was.
In the middle of junior high school, I discovered that the God I'd learned about in Sunday School was a personal God and that He wanted to be more than someone I prayed to on Sunday or if I needed something. He wanted to take His place at the center of my life - the Master. And I asked Him to come in. I started reading my Living Bible and underlining it with different colored Flair markers and I began getting to know God.
But without realizing it, I was starting off my relationship with Him in the same way I approached the rest of my life: do these certain things and then you're good. Look around and be sure you look as good or better than everybody else. I had a very real desire to love Him and please Him - I was completely misguided in what that really meant. I was also very busy controlling as many outcomes as I could.
So I got good grades and didn't get in trouble. I never even toilet-papered anyone's house in high school because I was afraid of being caught. I crouched on the floor of the back seat if someone parked near a teacher's house to 'decorate' his yard on the way home from Young Life. One summer between high school and college, I stayed out until 4:00 am without calling home, talking in the car to my future husband. (I know - it's pretty shocking.) And I think the only reason I didn't get in trouble was that my parents were so surprised that I'd do something so uncharacteristically bad.
I stayed close to the top of my class in high school and college because I wanted to be one of the best. While I never heard it, I knew my dad was proud of my 'status.'
In the process of all of this 'achieving' and 'accomplishing,' there was a simmering rebellion growing on the inside. And an ugly seed of pride taking deep root in me. But as is usually the case with that particular condition, I didn't recognize it for what it was.
Click here to read chapter 2 and chapter 3 in this sad story.