You and I have grown very close since I came into your life, haven’t we? We’re never more than a few feet apart and I love you for that.
I want to remind you of all the reasons we’re so good for each other. I give you directions, important information, answers to every question you can think of (well, okay, maybe not everything), games with friends, texts, tweets, breaking news and access to your FB news feed so you know what your friends are eating or when they post a new Inst*gr*m.
But… I’m staging an intervention here and I want you to listen up. Today I couldn’t help but notice (because I do have a camera pointing both ways) that your son was sitting across from you in the restaurant but you didn’t take your eyes off of me for most of the meal. I wish I’d snapped a pic of his face. Then I had your complete attention during that conversation your family was having in the living room. People asked you questions and you didn't even hear them - it was embarrassing! I’ve heard your kids repeat “Mommy!”, their voices getting louder each time, while you updated your status. And yesterday the car kept veering into the next lane as you checked to see what your friend thought about those new flip-flops you bought.
I have to say you’re scaring me. No one can hold up under this kind of pressure in a relationship. I can’t be your everything!
We have to admit it - we need to take a break from each other. Let’s start seeing other people. Literally.
I'll make a deal with you – put me away when you’re at meals or spending time with your family or with your friend for coffee (you know, when there is someone in the flesh to interact with) and I'll continue to make your life a bit easier and more entertaining. I can’t BE your life. I'm just not that into you.
And let's not kid ourselves - you're going to dump me anyway when the next upgrade comes along.
P.S. When you see someone with an old flip or slider or candy bar phone, be kind. Refrain from laughing at them or saying things like “My grandma has a phone like that!” They’ll eventually get a data plan – probably when smart phones morph into 3D devices and fold up into a tiny square.
*I wrote this because my 4 year old dumbphone is acting up and I’m considering an ‘upgrade.’ But honestly? I'm worried about what might happen to me if I do.